On the Eve of News

Hello again, sweet tacos!

Today was a weird day, because it was the first day since Isaac went to the hospital that I didn’t actually see him. I was busy taking my oldest two kids down to Provo for EFY where they will stay for the week (and I was busy getting them packed… and shopped for… and of course Mads had an audition along the way… you know… like one does…). And then tonight Nugget had his show in the opposite direction with an early call time, etc. So while the older kids are often asked to sacrifice me for Isaac’s sake, today Isaac sacrificed a visit from me for their sake.

But I did get to call him. I actually called him from the car while I was taking Mads and Bud to Provo. When I first tried to call him, the nurse told me that he was in a meeting with the doctors. So a few minutes later when he called me back, I asked him how his time with the doctors had gone. He said, “Oh, it was good. We talked about coping skills.” He was speaking so clearly! I asked him if he thought the things he learned about coping skills would help him, and again he responded that yes, he believed these would be very useful to him. He then talked to Mads and Bud a little bit (he was on the car’s bluetooth speaker, so we were all on the call together). Isaac was totally focused on the questions and comments and responded appropriately every time. It was so weird, because it was so… not weird! We brace ourselves for all sorts of hilarious, blurted out comments and totally random noises, etc. And above all, never expect actual answers to our questions. But this! This was like a real, normal conversation!
Anyway, there was some beautiful clarity. I was kind of holding my breath to see if it was just a fluke. But Hubby went to visit Isaac on his way home from work and ended up staying for a long time because he too found Isaac totally present and lucid. They talked and talked and talked. So this morning’s clarity appears to have lasted throughout the day.
Well, I’m not saying for sure that it isn’t a fluke, because… yeah. We’ve been blindsided before, just when we thought things were getting better. But for the clarity to last for so long, well, that feels a little different. It raises some questions. Are the meds helping? Was it just a really good day? What will we find tomorrow? Can we even trust this enough yet to call it progress?
The other phone call I got from the PPH today was from a psychologist who wanted to set up a meeting with us for tomorrow. This is the possible discharge meeting. As in, Isaac might be coming home tomorrow. We’ve been counting down to Tuesday, Aug. 8 for a while now, and here we are. Apparently, we will go in at 2:00 tomorrow afternoon and have a meeting with all the important decision-makers and together we will decide if he’s safe enough to come home. It will end one of two ways: 1, he will pack up his stuff while we’re filling out discharge paperwork and then he’ll jump into my car and come home. Or 2, he won’t. And we’ll make a new plan. And we’ll hug him goodbye. Again.
I guess my prayer tonight, then, is that if he ISN’T ready to come home, I need him to SHOW them that he isn’t ready to come home. I know today was a great day and I’m SO GRATEFUL for that! But what if he isn’t really ready? As much as I’m dying to bring him home, I don’t want to do it if it’s not truly the best thing for him yet. So if he’s NOT ready, I need him to demonstrate that. If he IS ready, great!!!!
Okay, so I guess either way, I’ll have some actual news tomorrow!
Thanks, as always, for your love and interest. xoxox

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